By Brandon Garcia, Idol Chat Editor
Well, it comes as no surprise that Jordin Sparks is American Idol No. 6. If nothing else, it can be said that she was born to win this competition. She’s exactly what the judges and producers look for in a contestant, and in the end, everyone walked away happy. Even Blake and Melinda probably breathed a sigh of relief at having come in second and third — as we’ve seen in the past, it equals more creative freedom, and that’s going to better for them in the long run than having the title of American Idol.
Now I’m going to stare into my crystal ball and tell you where our the Top 12 will be in 10 years:
JORDIN SPARKS: Jordin’s first album, I (Who Have Everything), sells decently. She raises eyebrows soon after her 18th birthday with a succession of questionable celeb boyfriends. A sex tape featuring Akon emerges and it’s the toast of Us Weekly and Perez Hilton. Jordin tries to capitalize on this newfound market with her second CD, My November, a collection of Avril Lavigne-ish tunes, including “U Know U Want This,” which is savaged by critics. Nobody buys the new Jordin, so she heads for Hollywood, starring in the sequel to Titanic, titled Rose Floats. Nobody watches it. She develops a taste for Ketel One and ends up in the Lindsay Lohan Memorial Rehabiliation Center. After getting clean, she goes back to her Christian roots and releases a new single, “Jesus Loves Me (More Than You)”. It’s a smash hit, and Jordin spends the rest of her days touring with Vince Gill.
BLAKE LEWIS: Blake’s first CD, Bee Bee Bop Bop Bip Boo Bee Bee, stalls on the charts, and he heads back to the forests of Washington state for some soul-searching. He emerges ten years later as a bearded folk singer who never wears shoes (Paul Kim tries to sue, but a judge throws out the case). Rolling Stone calls his new CD “a message for our time,” and Blake cultivates a rabid, Phish-like following. A right-wing sniper cuts Blake’s star short at Woodstock XI, and his final words are “Man, you give love a bad aa da ba bad ada a ad ad …”
MELINDA DOOLITTLE: A savvy producer snatches up Melinda to reprise Tina Turner’s role in Mad Max IV: Lightningdome. The theme song, “I Guess We Need Another Hero After All,” is a Billboard smash, and Melinda takes her new rock cred by the throat, selling out arena after arena. She enjoys a brief affair with Clive Davis, and after the fervor dies down, she decides to go behind the scenes, producing En Vogue’s comeback CD and touring with LaKisha, who …
LAKISHA JONES: … was unable to control her weight problem, but that didn’t hamper her career. At 864 pounds, she holds the record for the most obese person with a #1 album. Her tour with Melinda is an unbelievable success, and audiences go wild at the end of the setlist, as she is lifted away by two Budweiser blimps while singing “I Will Always Love You.” Unfortunately, a mechanical error sends her crashing into the audience at a show in Denver. Sixty-four LaKisha fans are crushed in the accident, but LaKisha miraculously survives. The experience provides inspiration for her next hit album, Falling Stars.
PHIL STACEY: Phil is shipped out to the Middle East, where an unfortunate accident destroys his beautiful voice. He becomes an icon of the anti-war movement, and lives happily ever after on stipends from the liberal media.
CHRIS RICHARDSON: Blake’s sudden departure into seclusion leaves Chris heartbroken. He turns to Brandon Rogers for consolation, and finds true love. The two are a hit at circuit parties, and they spend the rest of their lives in a condo in the Bay area.
GINA GLOCKSEN: Gina is revealed to be a man. No one is surprised. “Gino,” as she’s now known, becomes a successful session musician.
CHRIS SLIGH: Chris replaces Ryan Seacrest after third-degree burns from a tanning bed leave him unfit for television. American Idol is cancelled after the end of that season.
HALEY SCARNATO: Haley’s first CD flops, but she makes millions off a series of kinky Disney-themed exercise videos. After succumbing tragically to cancer, Haley’s legs are cast in bronze and set atop the Tower of Americas.
STEPHANIE EDWARDS: Is never heard from again.
ANTONELLA BARBA: Joins her father in the mob and no one ever mentions the pictures. Except that one guy who vanished. On a trip through the Midwest, she happens upon “Gino.” The two have a brief but unforgettable one-night stand and never tell a soul about it.
LESLIE HUNT is briefly engaged to A.J. TABALDO, but their bungled wedding duet of “Feeling Good” sets the stage for a long and arduous divorce. Leslie produces of a series of digital downloads for dogs on their walks, while A.J. finally admits to being gay. He tries to move in on Brandon Rogers, but Chris Richardson isn’t having any of it. A.J. can been seen Wednesdays and Thursdays at the Palm Frond night club in the Castro district of San Francisco.
SABRINA SLOAN is convicted in the disappearance of Stephanie Edwards and is serving a reduced sentence on the east coast. She’s suitemates with Nicole Tranquillo, who killed her family and all their friends and anyone that was standing in distance immediately after her plane ride home from getting kicked off Idol.
AMY KREBS wept to death at a state park in Mississippi but it took 12 years for anyone to notice.
PAUL KIM went barefoot all through his life … right until the day he stepped on a very poisionous Filipino frog and died moments later. Polynesia makes a Paul Kim Day, but no one adheres to its “no-shoes” rule, and he in fact becomes a symbol of national self-hatred.
RUDY CARDENAS re-emerged from obscurity to front a mildy successful boy-rock band. He also tried to hook up with Chris Richardson. After he failed, Chris and Brandon let Rudy live in one of the spare rooms of the spacious condo. They got over it and all play Jenga on Fridays.
NICK PEDRO got married to his chilled-out girlfriend and continues to sing “Fever” during foreplay. She loves it to this day. They’ve got 11 children.
SUNDANCE HEAD: Becomes widely known for his starring role in the Hogzilla slasher-flick series. He meets him maker after a stray spear prop impales his neck.
SANJAYA MALAKAR’s first CD outsells every previous Idol’s CD by a margin of 10-to-1. He purchases the nation of Luxembourg and receives a Nobel prize for his charity efforts, which provide free health care to the other 12 people living in that country. This sparks jealousy, and an Estonian anarchist assassinates Sanjaya during a nudist luau. These events spark World War III, and after much of the planet is ravaged by nuclear bombing, Sanjaya is resurrected from the dead as the supreme deity … except he’s got an elephant’s head. Deity Sanjaya sings “You Really Got Me” to the whole world, and this brings peace to what’s left of humanity. The Idol Chat panelists who appreciated him are made into demi-gods, each ruling a cold, lonely planet light years away. Sanjaya banishes his hater sister into a closet atthe center of the sun. All is well in the world again.
