By Brandon Garcia, Idol Chat Editor
With most of the Top 11 still black and blue from the pummeling that was Diana Ross Week, the American Idol producers are revealing themselves to be quite the sadists judging by the upcoming item on their dry-erase theme calendar: British Invasion Week.
Just picture the scene as the producers broke it to the contestants, huddled tightly, anxiously on a single sofa.
“British. Invasion,” says Fox Exec No 1.
The group gasps and recoils inward like a sea anemone. The very prospect of having to rein in their Beyoncé-isms and Justin-antics sends Stephanie Edwards and Chris Richardson into a terrified, wet-shoulder embrace. LaKisha immediately starts planning her argument on why she should be allowed to perform Dusty Springfield’s “Son of a Preacher Man,” even when it’s not technically British Invasion. Blake, Chris Sligh and Gina look at one another. They shrug cooly, hopefully, knowing they’re closer to home territory.
Melinda summons her “Gayles,” who materialize a là I Dream of Jeannie with best bets for song selections and hair and makeup tips.
Phil and Haley chit-chat with one another, oblivious to all that’s going on around them, excited at the possibilities of paving early Beatles songs with highways worth of vocal runs. A producer promptly explains they’ve been misinformed — securing the rights to a Beatles songs costs the equivalent of five H2s, and that they may as well forget about it.
Haley wipes a single tear and goes to sit with Sanjaya, intent on doing all she can to sabotage the only contestant who threatens her inclusion in the Top 10, and therefore on the Idol tour. She lays his head on her shoulder, her silver toungue whispering discouragements disguised as sympathy into his ear.
“You’re not just rock, ‘Jaya. You’re soul. There was no soul in Britain at that time. It’s just tough luck. They’re out to get you, you know that. They don’t think you can win. It’s just a rough week; you’ll make it through. Just play it safe.”
And so goes the week before the Brits invade Idol. Look for Lulu and someone else I can’t remember as the week’s guest coaches.
British Invasion has always lain just beyond my throw-out-by date as far as music goes. Research yielded a lot of stuff I’d heard before but never bothered to really listen to, and another load of music trivia that will never serve a purpose other than this column. Like, there was apparently a second British Invasion in the 80s, but I think it’s a safe bet to assume they’re doing the first wave in the 1960s for tonight’s show. Whatever. I think it’s going to be an interesting two hours in the way that Queen Night was last year — off-the-wall choices, some good, some thrillingly awful. I’m hoping for a balanced mix.
Here are my recommendations for the Top 11:
“Wild Thing” (The Troggs) - With this pep rally staple, Gina could throw control and subtlety to the wind and Simon wouldn’t be able to call her on it. Gina needs to take a cue from her Idol doppelganger, Nikki “Hated By All” McKibbin from Season 1, and embrace the karaoke-esque tunes. “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” “Black Velvet,” “I’m The Only One” — these were all disastrous for Nikki but would be good choices for Gina, whose screaming is far more in tune.
“House of the Rising Sun” (The Animals) - By now, we all know Melinda is good enough to have been recording alongside Aretha in the 60s — but how would she measure up next to Janis? She’d never in a million years pick this song, but it’s exactly the 180-degree-turn she needs to convince me she’s not going to wind up like Fantasia, whose throwback soul voice was electrifying on the show but sticks out like a sore thumb in the hip-hop style she sings. Melinda definitely has the gruff vocals to take on this hard-rock classic, and the very thought of her howling and writhing like a heroin-ravaged Monterrey Pop queen exhilarates me. Fat chance it’ll happen, but a boy can dream.
“Long Cool Woman In A Cool Black Dress” (The Hollies) - Like her rival Melinda, LaKisha has used up all her gospel/soul freebies for the season — it’s time for something different. This bluesy, low-key, glory-noteless rocker from The Hollies would be a perfect way to prove she’s not just Patti LaBelle’s even less attractive kid sister. Of course, just like Melinda, it’ll be a cold day in hell when LaKisha forgoes the chance to blow through “Son of a Preacher Man” over trying something riskier.
“She’s Not There” (The Zombies) [Malcolm McLaren's remix "About Her" from Kill Bill, Vol. 2] - Don’t listen to Simon, Blake. The last thing you need to do is give tepid performances of these ancient songs in their original styles. Keep it up with these electronica arrangements — just don’t do them yourself. This languid remix Quentin Tarantino fans will recognize is just the ticket to coming off cool and modern on a night none of your opponents will.
“Love Is All Around” (The Troggs) [Version by Wet Wet Wet from Four Weddings and a Funeral] - Another rough week for Chris as far as potential song choices go. Chris R. is probably the most un-rock contestant in the crowd. This straightforward pop arrangement would offer Chris a way out of having to reveal those limitations.
“Don’t Sleep In The Subway” (Petula Clark) - Jabba the Sligh is never going to be rock ‘n’ roll’s next sex symbol, so he might as well shoot for being the next Meat Loaf. Petula Clark’s schizophrenic “Don’t Sleep in the Subway” shapeshifts from bubblegum to Beach Boys and back again, giving Chris an opportunity to ditch his über-serious onstage persona and give us some sorely needed humor and theatricality.
“Time of the Season” (The Zombies) - Stephanie’s falling way behind main the superior Melinda and LaKisha. She needs a bold, sexy move to distinguish herself, and what better way than to embrace the theme and nail this funky, psychedelic tune from The Zombies?
“I (Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” (The Rolling Stones) - Ay, Haley. You’re awful when you’re singing ballads. You’re a little bit less awful when you go uptempo — may as well sing the only song the teenyboppers will have know tomorrow.
“The Crying Game” (Dave Berry) (Boy George’s version of the song from the film of the same name) - OK, Jordin, so you were last week’s celebrated debutante. That means you’re a woman now and SONGS FROM CARTOONS ARE OFF-LIMITS. How about trying something more sensuous? A cool, erotic rendition of this song might leave people seeing thinking you’re the next Sadé instead of just the next Brandy.
“Mellow Yellow” (Donovan) - Well, Sanjaya, you’ve definitely reserved your status as one of the most hated contestants ever. But at least this week, you’re still a competitor — you still need to give it your best shot. Remind the tweens why they love you a simple with a Donnie Osmond-style turn on the GAP commercial song.
“Always Something There To Remind Me” (Sandie Shaw) [80s version by Naked Eyes] - Phil was unjustly thrust into the Bottom 3 last week, probably because he’s starting to get a little lost among the contestants. His version of John Waite’s “Missing You” was a success because the song is one of those instantly recognizable pop ditties and because Phil’s voice fits the 80s melodic mold to a T. Time to hit up that cache of ammo again. Naked Eyes’ version of this song amplifies all the radio-friendly hooks of this song and plays up the glory notes Phil does so well with.
