Request Line: Stop! In The Name Of All That’s Holy

March 10th, 2007, 10:57 pm · 2 Comments · posted by bgarcia

By Brandon Garcia, Idol Chat Editor

“Hmm,” says Fox Executive No. 1. “What sort of theme weeks would boost ratings and convince naysayers that our American Idol contestants can actually tackle relevant music?”

Fox Executive No. 2 scratches his head.

“Eureka!” No. 2 screams, waving his hands in the air. “DIANA ROSS WEEK!!!”

“My God, you’re right!” cries No. 1. ”Diana Ross — the biggest influence on the sound of 2007. How did I not think of her?”

It kills me that Fox execs Nos. 1 and 2 get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to come up with fantastic ideas like “Diana Ross Week,” during which the Top 12 will face the monumental task of performing a 30-year-old Supremes antique to prove they can be the pop star of tomorrow.

Each year, I wish upon a star that American Idol would ditch its obsession with 60s soul, disco and Elvis Presley. Why can’t we have 80s Week or Alternative Rock Week or Woodstock Week? Why make the contestants blander than they already are? ‘Tis a mystery, folks.

In any case, here’s what the Top 12 ought to sing on Diana Ross Night should they plan to make it to the Top 11.

“Muscles“ - So it’s basically a song about wanting a dude with big biceps. Not the weightiest of tunes, but it’s got character and it’s not one of Diana Ross’ more overplayed songs. Melinda could blow through it with ease and still not seem like she’s playing it safe. How hilarious would it be if the dancers in this video were included with the cost of securing this song?

“Upside Down” - Stephanie needs to drop the sweet-girl crap, and this sleazy Vegas-at-5 a.m. number just might do the trick. The melody would be easy for a first-grader to follow, so it shouldn’t give her any trouble. Reminder, Stephanie: Do not try to Beyoncé this one up.

“Theme From Mahogany (Do You Know Where You’re Going To)” - OK, imagine this lovelorn song with some distorted guitars and Gina’s screaming and you’ll see what I’m getting at — sort of a neo-Gothic Amy Lee-style ballad. Might work with some imagination in the arrangement. If not, Gina’s screwed.

“Stop! In The Name of Love” - This theme week was practically catered to LaKisha’s dated diva tastes, so may as well make the most of it. She’ll never have to worry about sounding “karaoke,” and in all likelihood she’d put more brashness in this song than Diana Ross did. She can even throw in her trademark crazy Broadway mama antics.

“Where Did Our Love Go?” (version combined with “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell) - I’m stretching here, I know, but “Tainted Love” in its long form (not the video above) was mixed with “Where Did Our Love Go” in the same ’80s minimalist style. Might give Blake a chance to not embarrass himself this week. Would anyone else but me pay to see Blake try to rave in that toga/miniskirt the Soft Cell singer wears in the video? Now we know why they never had another hit song.

“Baby Love” - Easy song should be well within his limited range and a nice match for his relaxed, Stevie Wonder-lite vocal stylings. A fitting-yet-sickening nod to his status as the youngest boy on the show that should allow him to squeak through to next week.

“Back In My Arms Again” - Should play well to the Tiger Beat crowd, and he might be able to work in some annoying Timberlake vocal tics to please them even more. Hopefully he can keep the whiny factor to a minimum.

“Love Hangover” - If there’s one thing this guy needs, it’s some good ol’ sex appeal. So far, he’s come off more as an optimistic eunuch than a true-blue heart-throb. This drug-addled anthem to disco living could knock off his goodie-two-shoes for good.

“Endless Love” - For some reason, Haley thinks she’s in the Miss San Antonio Pageant rather than on American Idol. The least-talented of the Top 12 has shown she’s not willing to reach beyond flowery pop songs and maple syrup ballads, so just let her take this adult-contemporary favorite and ruin it so we can boot her back down I-10.

“Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” - So far he’s avoided standards that have been done to death on Idol, instead opting for first-rate covers of stuff you’d hear at a nondenominational Christian church. I’m curious to see how he’ll measure up playing the Idol game for real. Shouldn’t have any problem pumping some joyful soul into this song where so many others have failed.

“You Keep Me Hangin’ On” (Kim Wilde version) - I much prefer the Jordin who does hook-laden ’80s pop like last week’s Pat Benatar cover than the Jordin who does Christina Aguilera. This synth-driven version is the perfect next step in that direction.

“You Can’t Hurry Love” (Phil Collins version) - It’s going to be a rough week for Phil either way. He did well with John Waite’s pop-friendly “Missing You,” and the ’80s version of this simple tune should allow him to avoid the low notes that will eventually get him sent home.

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Will they take my advice? Come back to Idol Chat Wednesday morning to find out what our judges thought of their takes on Diana Ross and the Supremes.

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